WEIGHING OPTIONS: CIRCLES

Last year I resolved to LOSE WEIGHT. and I did. I dropped about 22 lbs by April. I got down to 182 eventually and............stayed there.

Here is why.

My original goal was to weigh 140ish because although I tend not to look as heavy as other women at the same weight as me I definitely am. At 5'4 and 205 lbs (what I currently weigh) my BMI is 35.5 declaring me obese. Most would say I look overweight -not obese. But once I got to the summer and out of that wretched living situation...I didn't have the same motivation to continue dropping weight. I was back and forth to Chicago (messing around with some boy smh) and I was more lax with my diet (eating junk food and drinking things other than water or tea.) Working out a strict 5 days a week was cut down to maybe 3...2...1 at times. I got really lazy I promised myself I woul do better next semester.

And.......well........I moved out of a building with a gym -mistake number one. I started off okay going to the gym kinda frequently -working out at home but as the semester wore on and the stress piled on........I neglected the gym all together -mistake number two. As the stress built -especially in November, where I got mono and had a ridiculous amount of assignment do I nixed my diet plan and not like occasional fast food like fast food all the time and CANDY BARS UP THE WAZOO. Yes, I am ashamed.

Eventually I bought into this idea that I have two stomachs cuz I'm like ALWAYS HUNGRY. and I just fed and fed and fed myself and on top of that it was like I was trying to eat away the pain, stress, and depression. I honestly was moments away from that scary deep depression I was in Freshman year, which I promised myself I'd never let myself get to again.

I went home two weeks for break and good Lord did I eat! and it was all bad. I knew I was in a bad place when I ate two mcchickens and two small fries........for no real reason.

I came back and got on the scale weighing in at 207 lbs. I stepped off...nodded my head and thought I have to stop. Whatever I'm running from, I have to face it, accept it, and deal. I began yesterday with the full intention of not eating. Mostly to quickly drop this 7 lbs so I don't feel like a cow anymore but also to realize what true hunger is -to learn not to get into the two stomach hype.

Early this morning, in trying to sleep, but couldn't because I was hungry, I thought, I need to accept that I'm just going to be fat because I can't deal with this. I'm so hungry! Well I might be fighting against strong genetics that encourage weight gain, and I might be fighting against a reproductive disorder that encourages weight gain at my midsection (where my weight has collected this time) and I may not ever be 140 (for long at least) but I at least want to be fit. At 182 I was fit. and I'd prefer to be slimmer but it isn't necessary. I may never get that stomach piercing but my perspective on weight loss is changing. My reasons for slimness were stemming from the wrong things.

Lastly, it's hard to trust that I'll keep this up. You never know what's going to happen. I didn't anticipate last semester being the hardest semester, in life, EVER. But, I've realized we can't live our lives based on what MAY NOT happen. We have to go forward with the faith that it will and if it doesn't happen, well that's the part where we get back up and try again.......Like I am